A week of stress

I have no idea what’s happened this week. How things have gone from such a state of calm and focus, to feeling scattered, stressed and anxious.

The tone was set on Monday and has continued throughout the week. After a restful weekend, I have felt overwhelmed from the moment I woke up and logged into my course. Prior to this week the days have been nice and calm and I have felt no pressure. It is testament to the fact that my mental stamina is still not great. Even as I type this, I feel a sense of anxiety that I cannot shake. Despite my best efforts, scattered thinking remains. Maybe I need to get out and clear my head. Right now, I’m not too sure.

The Bipolar brain is a funny thing. I feel like attempted sabotage is at play. And I’m in no mood for it. This week I have done what’s needed to get through and survive. However, if this continues to escalate over the coming weeks, then I fear what may follow. I’ve had my fair share of depression throughout this year, hell, for a lifetime even. I don’t want to go back to that place any time soon.

Part of the learning activities for this semester include the use of reflection. I constantly feel that I’m in a state of reflection, however, sometimes thoughts and emotions become intense and very uncomfortable. I cherish the moments when I am not overwhelmed and be able to switch off and truly relax.

Last night was great in that regard. I had a stressful first part of the day. I went to the chemist to get my Geodon/Zeldox refilled. This is a medication that has caused me much grief over the past few months. I am a prisoner to it at the present time. This isn’t a medication you can stop cold turkey. I tried that a few months ago and it was a scary experience. Being in between psychiatrists hasn’t helped my cause and this is something I am still angry about. Hopefully a much needed change in medication will come at the end of the month when I finally see a new psychiatrist. For now I just have to suck it up and be patient. Back to the pharmacy yesterday. I waited 40 minutes whilst the chemist engaged in chit chat with just about everyone that came and went. As the minutes ticked by I became more irritable. I overheard the pharmacist say that my medication needed to ordered in and it would not be available until Friday. Not a big deal, but this is something I could’ve been told much sooner, rather than just sit there while he talked to everyone coming and going. He was a friendly person, but unfortunately for him, I wasn’t in a particularly friendly mood. He came out and asked my how I was going with the medication. “None of your business! When will it be available?” I said to him with a passive aggressive tone. Didn’t his attitude change rather quickly. “Friday morning” he replied, before I walked off in disgust, muttering expletives to myself as I walked out of the pharmacy. Needless to say the shit will hit the fan, if my medication isn’t there on Friday.

After that I went grocery shopping, still feeling on the irritable side of things. Luckily there were no further triggers at the supermarket. I came home and switched off. Last night’s movie was the 2010 release “Eat, Pray, Love” starring Julia Roberts. Idealism aside, I thought it was a great movie.

The idea of packing up everything and going to see the world for a year. Who wouldn’t do that? Fair enough I don’t have the means or even confidence to take such a risk, but the idea is definitely one to romanticize.

What would you do? Where would you go if you could choose three destinations?

I would leave Australia around the middle of October. My destination would be the United States and Canada. It would be an Ice-Hockey road trip. Different games in different cities across both countries. I would hopefully meet some weird and wonderful people along the way. I would submerge myself in American culture, taking a keen interest in the working class and what makes them tick. I would relish eating in diners and experiencing the different landscapes. There would be Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Eve to celebrate. Memories created would be something to cherish for the rest of my life.

Next on the list, would be visiting a European country such as France, Italy or Spain. Again I would embrace the culture, language, food and landscape.

My final destination, inspired by last night’s movie would be either Bali or Thailand. Hopefully I could spread out available funds for an extended stay with the sole emphasis on fun and relaxation.

How nice it is to dream!

Back to the present and life as it is. This is the time for reassurance. I am doing fine. I am doing the best that I can under less than ideal circumstances.

I am grateful for the things the that I have.

A week of mixed emotions

First I would like to express a sincere apology for not being active lately. I have enjoyed being a part of the blogger sphere, not just through my own posts, but reading other blogs. It has filled a void and I’m grateful to have found such a wonderful outlet.

My return to university has finally arrived. My focus has been pulled in a different direction, however this is a positive thing as I begin to rebuild after almost two years on the sidelines.

Such is the subject of this post. It is nice to be doing something again. I am feeling stimulated and a sense of purpose has returned. I very much believe in the path I am taking, however I am somewhat conflicted about the timing in terms of my age. Self doubt also makes me wonder whether I am trying in vein.

Yesterday was a good day, but it wasn’t without it’s triggers. I put the finishing touches on the first week back of uni. I was also up earlier than normal and had some time to take in the first day’s play of the first test between Australia and South Africa. I decided to call a friend, just for a chat and before I knew it, I was in the car to go and see him for the first time in months.

Anxiety started to take hold during the drive up. This is not uncommon when I head into a social situation, hence the need to avoid social contact for the sake of self-preservation. Despite this, I was completely comfortable when I arrived and it was nice see people that I actually care about and think about often. Towards the end of the night, I began to get a headache, and during the drive back home, anxiety had just about escalated to a full blown panic attack. By the time I was home, I was quick to get into bed and looked forward to getting a good nights sleep. Today I have emerged flat, feeling that sense of emptiness which has become all too familiar as time rapidly goes by.

The friends that I saw yesterday are starting to do really well for themselves and make no mistake, it has only come through hard work and perseverance. This is the thing that really gives me the shits about having Bipolar. I want to work hard to get ahead in life. I don’t like waking up in the middle of the day because the medication I take the night before has such a strong effect, my body doesn’t wake up until it says that’s it time to. I want to be up at a time where I can eat some breakfast, go for a walk, come back for a shower and then start the day. Even more, I would like to have a job to go to, socialise after work, or have a partner/family to come home to. I would like to be able to go out for dinner and visit people on the weekends. Just normal everyday things that other people take for granted.

I completely hate where I am in life. The grasp this illness has over me is difficult to comprehend at times, let alone accept. And there lies the situation as it is at the present time. Fluctuating between anger and acceptance. I am grateful for the things I have. My situation could be so much worse. I have a roof over my head, I can pay my bills. I can buy food and feed myself. But living in this fashion and being on my own doesn’t sit well whatsoever.

I remain conflicted about who I am and why things are the way they are. I am searching for some peace so that I can accept things for the way they are and continue to strive for something better.