A week of mixed emotions

First I would like to express a sincere apology for not being active lately. I have enjoyed being a part of the blogger sphere, not just through my own posts, but reading other blogs. It has filled a void and I’m grateful to have found such a wonderful outlet.

My return to university has finally arrived. My focus has been pulled in a different direction, however this is a positive thing as I begin to rebuild after almost two years on the sidelines.

Such is the subject of this post. It is nice to be doing something again. I am feeling stimulated and a sense of purpose has returned. I very much believe in the path I am taking, however I am somewhat conflicted about the timing in terms of my age. Self doubt also makes me wonder whether I am trying in vein.

Yesterday was a good day, but it wasn’t without it’s triggers. I put the finishing touches on the first week back of uni. I was also up earlier than normal and had some time to take in the first day’s play of the first test between Australia and South Africa. I decided to call a friend, just for a chat and before I knew it, I was in the car to go and see him for the first time in months.

Anxiety started to take hold during the drive up. This is not uncommon when I head into a social situation, hence the need to avoid social contact for the sake of self-preservation. Despite this, I was completely comfortable when I arrived and it was nice see people that I actually care about and think about often. Towards the end of the night, I began to get a headache, and during the drive back home, anxiety had just about escalated to a full blown panic attack. By the time I was home, I was quick to get into bed and looked forward to getting a good nights sleep. Today I have emerged flat, feeling that sense of emptiness which has become all too familiar as time rapidly goes by.

The friends that I saw yesterday are starting to do really well for themselves and make no mistake, it has only come through hard work and perseverance. This is the thing that really gives me the shits about having Bipolar. I want to work hard to get ahead in life. I don’t like waking up in the middle of the day because the medication I take the night before has such a strong effect, my body doesn’t wake up until it says that’s it time to. I want to be up at a time where I can eat some breakfast, go for a walk, come back for a shower and then start the day. Even more, I would like to have a job to go to, socialise after work, or have a partner/family to come home to. I would like to be able to go out for dinner and visit people on the weekends. Just normal everyday things that other people take for granted.

I completely hate where I am in life. The grasp this illness has over me is difficult to comprehend at times, let alone accept. And there lies the situation as it is at the present time. Fluctuating between anger and acceptance. I am grateful for the things I have. My situation could be so much worse. I have a roof over my head, I can pay my bills. I can buy food and feed myself. But living in this fashion and being on my own doesn’t sit well whatsoever.

I remain conflicted about who I am and why things are the way they are. I am searching for some peace so that I can accept things for the way they are and continue to strive for something better.

4 comments on “A week of mixed emotions

  1. I completely understand how you are feeling. . . that feeling of being robbed by this horrible illness. Thats a reason I hate facebook and went on a huge rant about it. It is so hard to see the people you used to go to school with and what they are up to, unhindered by this fog in their brain. Dont get me wrong though, I know they got there with hard graft, but I would just like that chance to work that hard. You are so much stronger than you think though (cliche, I know!). We fight a different fight, we work hard in a way others cant understand. Hang in there, karen xx

    • Thank you Karen. I appreciate our support. Wouldn’t it be great to have the chance to work hard. Facebook is a trigger for me too for similar reasons. Thanks for commenting. Hope you’re well.

  2. The fluctuation between anger and acceptance sounds very familiar to me, but after 12 or so years, I think I’m spending the majority of my time in the accepting corner!

    I found university a total nightmare with Bipolar. My social anxiety was a major factor too.

    I remember falling asleep in 9am lectures. I’d always manage to make it to the lecture, but as soon as I sat down in the big, warm lecture theatre that was it- I was out like a light!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s