In a Dark Place – Trigger Warning

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I need to write. I need to get it all out because right now I’m not in a good place. In fact, I am in a very dark place and I feel sick to my stomach over it. I’m anxious, depressed and suicidal. My symptoms are really serving it up at the moment and I do not know what to do. I’ve thought about calling a crisis team or presenting myself to an emergency department, but I do not want to end up in hospital. All I can see is dark times ahead. No light whatsoever. All I want to do is sleep. The intensity of what I am feeling right now is oh so painful. I’ve all but lost my battle with trying to keep up with my studies. My new relationship is also on shaky ground. A few weeks ago I was absolutely fine. I was happy and focused and optimistic. Someone had come into my life and I felt ‘blessed’. Why do these symptoms come from almost nowhere and wreak so much havoc? Bipolar has already cost me so much in terms of lost livelihood, time lost due to episodes, and time lost due to trying to find the right medication combination. When I came off Pristiq just prior to Christmas, it was as if a minor miracle had happened. My sleep pattern went from abnormal to normal almost overnight. My energy was good and best of all, my anxiety had all but disappeared. So all was going really well for a little while there. I thought I had come out of an abyss and things were finally start to turn in the right direction. That was until a couple of weeks ago when my anxiety returned with vengeance. I was throwing up and when there was nothing more to come up, I would dry reach. After a week of this, I was completely exhausted. On Thursday I spent the entire day in bed with no energy and no motivation. I got to speak to my psychiatrist on Friday and he advised me to increase my overnight Seroquel to 100mg or even 200mg if that didn’t do the trick. So my anxiety subsided from Thurday when I resorted to taking Seroquel as a PRN. Today, despite having taken 100mg on Friday night and 200mg on Saturday night, I am a mix of anxious, bombed from the Seroquel and suicidal with my thinking. Seriously, how much can one person take?

I am reaching out to the blogosphere for support. I am not active on any psych forums at the moment so I am reluctant to post my concerns there. 

In my heart of hearts I know that I am not up to academic study. I’ve tried but I am not enjoying it and I am not coping with the workload. I simply cannot see myself being in it for the long haul. Stress has been the trigger of this latest episode and I know that being Bipolar, stress is something to be avoided or minimized. I don’t have anything to prove. I would like to do something with my life that is Bipolar friendly but I have no idea what that is as yet. Assuming I drop my uni course, it is something I will need to put some work into. Having suicidal thoughts because I feel hopeless and inadequate in the wake of having Bipolar is why I am writing this post. I don’t want to die and I shouldn’t have to feel like this. I thought doing two subjects was a safe call, but even with that workload, I am still struggling.

In regards to the person that I have recently started seeing, I am fearful that I will lose her because of my illness and this has my heart in a million pieces at the moment. I really like this person. She is understanding of the fact that I am Bipolar and isn’t bothered that I am not well off financially. She reassures me that she likes me for who I am. But the state I was in yesterday did freak her out and made her uncomfortable. She had come to stay with me for the weekend, however ended up leaving yesterday afternoon which made me feel 10 x worse. This type of scenario is exactly what scares me most. It is not my intention to make anybody uncomfortable because of my symptoms. I hate feeling this unwell and it’s during times like this that I question what’s actually worth it when it comes to stress and Bipolar. I want to do something with my life but it has to fit within the limits that Bipolar sets. I wish life didn’t have to be like this and I want so much more, but the reality is that I suffer from a chronic mood disorder and there are limitations that come with that.

I feel a little better for typing out my thoughts. It’s better than having them swirl around in my head and consume me 24/7.

Thanks for reading if you have made it this far. I really do need your support right now.

7 comments on “In a Dark Place – Trigger Warning

  1. Hello there, bipolarbeach. My name’s Francis and I am bipolar, too. I totally know where you’re coming from. I get the suicidal thoughts, the feelings of inadequacy, hopelessness, despair, and all those negative stuff that comes with depressive episodes. I actually just blogged about it today. You know what I do when I’m feeling down, I try to listen to music, talk to a friend, or write down my thoughts and feelings in a private journal, or share it here on WordPress. It doesn’t matter who reads them or how many people actually read them. To me, what’s important is I let it all out. It also helps a lot, of course, if you have a great support system–friends and family who can take care of you and listen to you whenever you are having one of your mood swings. But hey, if it would help, I’d like to be a part of your support group, too. I may be bipolar, but I am also a great listener. We’re actually capable of more love and empathy due to to variety of emotions that we experience within ourselves. So, yes, I get you. I feel you. I really hope you”d feel better soon. Just hang in there, buddy. Someone’s listening. One of them is me. Cheerio! Hope everything will be better soon. Smile and take your meds religiously. For now, that’s all we can do, and hope that somewhere during our most lucid and chemically-induced clear moments, our creativity will still flourish and won’t be completely stifled by the medications. =)

    Your friend.
    Francis Baraan

    • Hi Francis. Thank you for such a wonderful reply. It’s nice to receive some genuine support when you’re not in a good place. Getting it all out yesterday did make a difference so I’m glad I didn’t suffer in silence. Thank you once again and I look forward to sharing our experiences together via each others blogs. Thanks again Francis.

      • You’re welcome, man. I really do hope you’ll feel a lot better the following days, and to feel that way constantly. I know it’s hard what with all the mood swings and all, but you really just have to hang in there during the worst of times. Call a friend, a family member, or write your heart out. I’m sure you’d feel better after. Cheers! =)

  2. I’m sorry to see that you’re feeling so bad at the moment. It can be very difficult to try and achieve your goals when you’re cycling through a depression. I did post-graduate study last year while trying to manage my symptoms of bipolar effectively, so I know how difficult it can be. I would strongly suggest that if you are not feeling well, it is important to reach out not only to your psychiatrist, but other members of your support team. GPs can give medical certificates to help you get an extension for overdue assignments, or special consideration for exams. They can also help you apply to have your condition recognised by the university, or to help you defer your studies until you are feeling better, if you decide that you want to continue at a point when you’re feeling more stable. Additionally, counsellors can help with study advice and career counselling. If you’re studying on campus, they usually have a counselling service that students can access free of charge, if you don’t have access to someone right now.

    I can understand your thoughts in terms of trying to decide on a career that is not stressful. I started post-grad in rehabilitation counselling last year thinking that this would be a career path that would be less stressful than teaching. Unfortunately, for me, it wasn’t – the mere spectre of it is enough to make me break out in a cold sweat of anxiety and irritability. As a result, I am currently working with a disability employment service to find 15 hours a week of work in a field that I previously didn’t find stressful, which is office administration. I hope that by slowly reintegrating myself back into the world of work, I can gradually build up my stamina and confidence so that I may be able to take on a more challenging job later. Perhaps this may be something that might help you? I’m pretty sure that, when you feel better, if you spoke to Centrelink they would be able to give you a referral to an organisation that provides these services, and who may be able to help you identify a career path that will be less stressful.

    Anyway, I hope this might provide you with some info that you might be able to use when you feel up to it, which I hope is really soon. In the meantime, take care and I hope you find a little comfort in the thought that you are not alone – there are people out there who are experiencing some of the same struggles, and who are willing to lend a hand if needed.

    • Hi Daisy. Thank you for being so supportive. You have hit the nail on the head in regards to finding a career path that is less stressful. Over the coming weeks I plan to engage with a Disability Employment Provider that specializes in mental illness. Finding something around 15 hours per week would be ideal. As for the uni side, I’m resigned to the fact that it’s not for me and that’s okay. The most important thing is my own mental health so if something becomes too stressful, then I need to be able to let that thing go and that’s okay too. Once again, thank you for your kind and wise words. The support right now is much appreciated!

  3. Marry me lol. I absolutely love the way u put that weird and awful sickness. I used to feel that way for months and by the end of it I prayed to every god there is to kill me. I honestly can’t prepare for death anymore than I already have. Then one day I woke up and I could hear the music again. Since then I’ve written two screenplays and working on a book about existential phenomenology, the field I studied in college. But I want u to know that u made my day better knowing I’m not alone out there.

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