It all starts in 3 weeks

This year has not been an easy one when it comes to accepting the limitations that having Bipolar puts on my life. Through the despair of a long depressive episode, I am struggling to accept my position in life. No career, no partner, no kids. I’ve never resented having this illness as much as I do right now. Through all the pain and suffering, I hang onto a small glimmer of hope that one day things can get better. That one day I will have what my heart desires most. It’s not about material gain. It’s about being able to rise above a situation so dark and bleak in nature, to a place where the sun shines on more days than it doesn’t. Having a mental illness becomes secondary. Loneliness and isolation is a thing of the past. Positive relationships are forged. There is love in my life through the power of family. The shackles of all present limitations are broken and pave way to opportunity.

A new journey begins in three weeks. It is my chance to dig myself out from the depths of despair and strive for something meaningful.

I am returning to study. My sights are set on achieving something that should have been done during the early stages of adulthood. It is unfinished business and something I simply must do.

I have chosen to study Psychology. There is still a burning desire within me to help people . My days working as a nurse provided me with the necessary insight, to realise how good I can be in the role as a carer. I feel a ‘calling’ in life. It is strong and it’s loud. If I do not try to make the most of the opportunity that lays before me, I don’t think I can live with myself.

How this idealism can translate to real world activity is still beyond comprehension. I am starting small by only doing a couple of subjects. This pace should suit me for where I am at right now. Anything more, and the chances of being overwhelmed by stress become more of a reality. I have been down that road many times before, when I knew it was bad for me, and yet I persevered. In the end, I lose the battle to keep up with everything and find myself back at square one. Depression in all it’s glory takes a strong hold and it will be months before I am in a position to pick myself up and dust myself off.

What I am most looking forward to about studying Psychology, is exploring how the brain operates. Nature vs Nurture concepts. What essentially makes us tick. I know that by the time the theory is done and dusted, practicing Psychology in the real world will be vastly different. For now though, I am looking forward to the journey of exploring all of the theory and the personal development that comes with learning a new vocation.

This opportunity is one I hope I can relish. It is a chance to grow and expand the knowledge and experience already gained in my life thus far. It is a chance to embrace optimism once again and strive for something better in life. It won’t be easy, but I think I am up for the challenge once again.

Wish me luck!

Breaking News: I’m totally fucked up!

This year has been a revelation and here it is in a nutshell: I’m fucked up and basically beyond repair!  “Join the queue” I might hear you say.

It hasn’t been the darkest year, but it definitely rates in the top 5. The saving grace as far as 2012 goes, is that I have my own place. The positive here is that there is less pressure as far as managing symptoms are concerned. I feel as if my dignity is preserved. I can move freely without the fear of disturbing anybody else. The solitude is comforting. On the flip side, it is also painfully isolating. Given a choice however, right now, I’ll take the solitude.

Having this time and space has provided an opportunity to reflect. For the first time since my diagnosis in 2006, I have been able to look back on the past six years and analyze thing that have happened post-diagnosis. I have also been able to compare things on a pre and post diagnosis level.

Too much time to think? Absolutely. But reflection is a necessary part of moving forward in my opinion. What has worked? What hasn’t? How much responsibility falls into the Bipolar category? How much responsibility fall’s on my own shoulders? What sort of say does my personality have?

All of these variables add up to the overall picture and when all has been laid out to bear, I simply do not like what I see.

For now, the cue is in the proverbial rack. The “Closed for Business” sign is up. I am tired. Making an effort seems frivolous. The four walls will keep me safe and the rest of the world can leave me the fuck alone.

This high level of fragility is frightening. Fear is a dominating force. Aside from daily band-aid fixes such as distraction, nothing can take this pain away. Nothing can repair the damage that has been done. Go for a walk – Check. See a therapist – Check. Trust in God – Check. Despite my best efforts, I feel lonely and empty.

Some days it feels like all there is to do, is to wait until I die. All things considered, I’ve had a reasonably good life, been on some adventures, met people from different walks of life and had a taste of the ‘good life’. I’ve lived. There is little more to do.

But hang on for just one minute – I’m only 35! Surely, there is more to do.

What about traveling overseas. Falling in love again. Having a child. Well, as much as I would love to indulge these ideas, the reality is that I have an illness. It’s not just the fact that I have Bipolar. My psychiatrist recently confirmed that I have complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I suspected as much. From childhood, to adolescence, to early adulthood, through to being a mature adult (whatever that means), the sum of all of the above is that I’m completely fucked up and in my heart of hearts, this situation is beyond repair.

There is one major goal that keeps me going. Getting a bachelor’s degree. After all that’s happened in my life, it pisses me off that this is on my ‘to do’ list when everyone around me is getting married, buying a house and having kids. As far as I’m concerned, this should have been done 10-15  years ago. But no use in dwelling in what should have been. Instead, I will accept things just the way they are. I might be fucked up, but that doesn’t mean I’m not prepared to have another roll of the dice.  I’ll finish this post by using my favorite line of all time:

It is what is!

Until next time,

Peace!

PS. Please feel free to leave a comment. I have been thrilled to see some views and receive some likes. I would be very humbled to receive your comments and feedback.