This is a great advertisement that helps reduce the stigma of having a mental illness. It would be great to see a campaign like this go to air in Australia.

Bipolar, Unemployed & Lost

I wish there were commercials like this everywhere! If there were commercials like this in the U.S., I think people wouldn’t have a problem talking about it. Can you imagine having a mental illness and you can go out with your friends and discuss it openly, freely. The worst part about the stigma is that I have to pretend to be someone when I’m not. I have to pretend to be happy and fun, when all I want to do it cry and hide. This is the beginning of a movement, to let people know its okay to have this or that. It’s okay. Pass this along! Thanks Depressed Pessimist.

View original post

Blog for Mental Health 2013

blogformentalhealth20131winner

I pledge my commitment to the Blog For Mental Health 2013 Project.  I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others.  By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health.  I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.

I am linking this pledge back to A Canvas Of The Minds for giving me the inspiration to get on board with this wonderful initiative.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar in 2006 at age 29. This came after years of knowing something was not right despite only being treated for Depression. It took a major manic episode and five weeks of hospitalization to receive a diagnosis. I continue to struggle with this disorder and some days are more difficult than others. I have just commenced a Bachelor of Psychology as I continue to try and rise up against this illness. I have been on Disability since mid 2011 and would one day like to be able to re-enter the workforce in some capacity. For now I am comfortable (albeit barely) with my studies, however would like to be well enough to take on some part-time work, hopefully in a community based role assisting people with disabilities. Bipolar can be a cruel and isolating existence, however I do take comfort in knowing that I am not alone and there are wonderful people out there who are fighting the same battles and doing well under less than ideal circumstances.

Blogging has given me a voice about my illness and I am grateful for the people that I connect with and able to touch through my writing. It is my hope that I can ride through the symptoms and episodes and try to help others along the way.

By taking this pledge I am committing to the fight to raise awareness for those affected by mental illness. I hope to reach more people and spread the word as my blog continues to evolve. I am also advocating for people with mental illness and their carers as part of this pledge.

In pledging five other bloggers, I would like to pay particular attention to the following bloggers:

Am I Nuts?

Bipolar 2 Dad

Weathering The Storm: Overcoming Bipolar Disorder

…on becoming a counsellor

and last but definitely not least:

All that I am, all that I ever was…Hope to see you back soon Addy!

I look forward to continuing to share my experiences as well as my ups and downs. On a personal note, I am at the closing stages of the semester with my studies. This blog will continue to remain quiet over the coming weeks, however, when I have a chance to breathe again, I look forward to posting an update on everything that’s been happening at Bipolar Beach.

Sending lots of love and support to everyone involved with this Blog and the readers who randomly stop by.

Be well and stay safe!

New Year – New Challenges

challenge-sign-by-scottchan-freedigital

I’m anxious and have been for a few days now. Six days into the new year and already I find myself overwhelmed. I am scared about what may come and what I need to to do keep myself afloat. The objective is not just to survive, it is to try and thrive and ultimately move forward. There is no room for another relapse – an extended period of time where I can only take on very little and walk alongside the edge of a cliff – metaphorically speaking – in fear of falling off and sustaining semi or permanent damage. The questions that surround certain challenges are becoming muddled in my mind. Will I have to find somewhere else to live? (my lease is about to expire and I have no word as to whether it will be extended as yet). Will I make it through my studies? (I have commence a BA in Psychology and doing two subjects per semester. It will be during late 2015 when I complete my studies, at that pace and I will be 38 by then. The age factor doesn’t overly bother me though). Will I have enough money to survive? (I am on Disability and the little savings I do have is slowly starting to dwindle). In identifying a need to go back to work which has potential benefits aside from money such as self esteem and a sense of contribution, will I be able to absorb the stress and anxiety that Bipolar can serve up. Life is full of stress but those of us who fall in the hyper-sensitive category can receive a BIG “Fuck You!” from Bipolar, when this stress becomes even remotely toxic? This is what I am most anxious about. Buckling under the stress and experiencing a relapse. My history is riddled with these events and after my last breakdown in early 2011, I swore never to go down that path again. And yet, here I am at the beginning of 2013, inviting stress back into my life with the risk of it all becoming too much again. Study aside, given that my motivation is mostly financial, it is a ‘suck it up and see’ scenario, however I do need to be mindful of the things that may put me in troubled waters and potentially cause another relapse.

I mentioned the financial motivation that is driving me at the present time. The much bigger driving force is the opportunity to have a better life despite having a chronic mood disorder. We all want a better life. There is no doubt about that. The sacrifices we must make in order to further this pursuit need to be weighed and measured. I found out during 2012 that despite all that’s happened with bipolar and the stop-start nature that makes up most of my adult life thus far, 35 years of age is far too early in the piece to throw in the towel and say “I’m done!”. Time out is fine, whether that equals weeks, months or even years, despite the pain and heartache these disruptions in life can yield. I have heard that the severity of these breakdowns get worse as we age. Physiologically that may be the case, however there is wisdom acquired that in my opinion, leaves you in a much better place to handle future challenges. The lessons that we must learn to gain this wisdom are harsh, no question there. But you do learn more about yourself and depending on what stage of life you are at, whether you’re in early or middle adulthood, you learn and come to know what works and what doesn’t work for you. That’s the most important thing. Especially when life is further complicated by mental illness. Knowing what your limits are and carrying yourself with these limits in mind. But is there scope to push the boundaries and challenge oneself to rise above the adversity of having a mental illness? Absolutely! However in doing so, especially with something as complex as a mood disorder, past trial and error needs to be taken into consideration.

Ignore excess stress at your peril.

I have recently met somebody who I really like and these feelings go both ways. If you have read any of my previous posts, you will have a gotten a sense of how lonely and isolated I have been in the past twelve months. I am agnostic at best, but I prayed for someone to come into my life and my prayers have now been answered. But this is no walk into the sunset and roll the credits type of scenario. It’s scary, but it beats feeling completely alone. There is someone out there that likes me just the way I am and cares about me – and vice versa. There is no facade and everything has been put on the table including Bipolar. I am scared though that I will eventually stuff it all up. This is another reason why my illness cannot majorly interfere, however, open communication will be crucial with the realization that ongoing symptoms are a reality.

So here we are. A new year is barely under way and already there are challenges that await. My life is different. My mindset is different. Yet there is an underlying fear and lack of confidence that positive change may not be sustainable. I like the term ‘it’s a marathon – not a sprint’. Despite the fear, despite the anxiety, each day needs to be a small step in the right direction. There needs to be time for rest and time to switch off with the knowledge and faith that things are moving forward at a comfortable pace.

2013: What will the new year bring?

1356324097_christmas-new-year-2013-image

So another year comes to a close. Goodbye and good riddance I say. I think it’s only natural to be reflective at this time of year. Reflective of the things that have caused pain, brought pleasure, achievements, losses, tragedies and new arrivals.

But just because the clock turns midnight and signals the beginning of a new year, it doesn’t mean that some magic spell has been cast and everything we wish for and desire will miraculously come to fruition. At least not straight away. Having said that, there is no harm in hoping and there is no harm in feeling a sense of optimism that despite what may have occurred during the previous year, things can and will improve throughout the new year.

My 2012 In Review:

2012 is ending in similar fashion to the way it began. Despite the fact that I am still alone, this year I am feeling slightly better about that compared to this time last year. Maybe it’s because I have found somewhat of a happy-medium when it comes to my medications. In early January I was absolutely fed up with feeling anxious and depressed most of the time. I was sick of functioning poorly and I desperately wanted things to change before they got out of control again. If you you would’ve told me that it would take most of the year to find the right combination, the likely reply you would’ve got from me, would be “Fuck that!”. I know full well that in reality it can take people much longer to get their med combo right, but seriously – one year? Mostly dedicated to trying to handle unwanted side effects, becoming depressed to the point where suicidal ideation intrudes my thinking. No thank you! But you know what, I have survived and I’m grateful that I did. I have come out of the darkness and into the light once again and believe me when I say that I am in no hurry to go back there anytime soon.

A small point on Suicide. In previous posts I have stated that I do not believe in Suicide, but that’s not to say that I haven’t thought about it. There have been times where these type of thoughts have gotten so intense, to the point where I think there is no other option and it ends up absolutely scaring the crap out of me. It is NOT how I want my life to end and no matter how dark things may get, there are always avenues to get past these uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. I am yet to call a crisis line or check into an emergency department, however I have made use of online resources such as mental health forums to seek out support and understanding. Taking anti-anxiety medication or simply sleeping it off has also been enough to lift that sort of intensity. But enough about that.

Despite having a lonely and isolated year, I have persevered and would like to think I have come out on top despite the ugly circumstances of having my Bipolar run rampant and making life almost unbearable at times. I think a small turning point came when I started this blog. Having an outlet to express myself and talk about how Bipolar affects me has been a positive experience. Receiving likes, comments and knowing that your voice actually reaches somebody has been very rewarding. Equally, reading and commenting on other blogs has also been a rewarding experience. There are some amazing people and stories out there and the blogosphere is a wonderful opportunity for people to be heard and connect. It doesn’t matter if your post is 200 or 1200 words in length, everything is valid and has a place.

The other positive which came later in the year was returning back to university study. Having a sense of purpose once again has done wonders for my mental health. Naturally there is some stress with studying and there is also some self doubt as to whether I can actually complete my Bachelors, but I am taking it one semester at a time. The end goal is firmly in mind, but I cannot afford to look too far ahead. I think I am on the right path and I believe in being an advocate for those who suffer from a mental illness. I believe that is my purpose in life. There was a brief time when I was a psych nurse where despite the stress of being in such a role, I had a sense of purpose and fulfillment I had never felt before. I was devastated when I became unwell again and had to give this up, but the issues that surrounded this time make sense with the benefit of hindsight. I only wish that I had handled things a lot better and didn’t find myself in a situation where I had to start from zero once again. They say that everything happens for a reason and I am now at the stage where I have made peace with the past and happy to look forward to the future.

And that’s where this time of year provides something unique, unlike any other time of the year. There is a chance to start over with a clean sleight. A chance to bury what’s happened in the past. A chance to feel positive about the future once again.

I am grateful to have a roof over my head and I am grateful for the people I have in my life. I don’t have many friends, but I know that the people in my life care about me. I care about them too. This includes the people I have come to know online through this blog and via forums.

The voids in my life are something that I need not rush or try to force any change. It will all happen in good time. This is my path in life and whilst it’s far from how I would like things to be, that’s not to say it is too late for things like falling in love again and starting a family. If there is one thing I do know, nothing matters unless there are people to share things with. It has taken extended periods of loneliness and isolation to realize this. You can have the best job in the world and yet feel completely empty when there is nobody to come home to. You can have all the peace and quiet you want, yet the silence becomes deafening and you wish someone was there. It’s no fun going through life alone and everybody needs someone. As much as they may not like to admit it.

So what will 2013 bring?

Oh who the bloody hell knows? And don’t even get me started on new years resolutions. Stop smoking, eat less crap, go to the gym. Blah Blah Blah!

This time if year is stressful enough, without the added pressure of trying to completely change into something I am not and subsequently spending January and February feeling like shit because I haven’t been able to live up to these expectations. Not for me sorry!

What I do vow is to keep things simple and try to find a balance between normal stress (which is part of anybody’s life) and toxic stress that could cause a relapse. I am intent on not going through another winter depression where I hide from the world, am highly anxious and hate myself for it.

I will continue to focus on my studies without being daunted by the big picture. I will invest time into building friendships without feeling the need to have a hundred friends. I will try and give more to the ones that I care about.

I am also keen to return to work in some capacity. Ideally in the field of mental health. I may go back to nursing, but there are a few hurdles I need to jump through to get my registration back. I hope this exercise isn’t too stressful in itself.

When it comes to finding a partner and falling in love again, I am not putting any pressure on myself there either. Establishing a foundation based on friendship, mutual respect and trust is more important than diving in dumb and blind. It is a process that needs to happen naturally and cannot be forced.

Again, it’s nice to be reflective at this time of year and sort through the things that you do and do not want for the new year. The reality is that we will wake up on the first day of the year, exactly the same person we were on the last day of the year. Change should be gradual and realistic but there is nothing wrong with following your heart in order to find what you most desire.

As you reflect on another year passed, whether it was good, bad or indifferent, stay true to yourself in your desires and expectations for 2013. Make sure you’re not someone who is burnt out within the first three months of the year. It is of course a marathon – not a sprint!

Most importantly: Have yourself a good one and I wish everyone a Happy and Safe New Year!

*Thank you for supporting this blog over the past few months and I look forward to more sharing and connecting with fellow bloggers during 2013*

Christmas: The Aftermath

thefunnyinbox-snow-man-rob

OMG! What a head fuck! Christmas has come and gone and unfortunately it wasn’t pretty. Anxiety surrounds the prospect of New Years Eve still to come, but compared to this time last week, I think I’m doing a little better – if only just.

In the week leading up to Christmas, I was busy with writing assignments for University. I had made the conscious decision a few weeks earlier that I would not let the occasion get the better of me – as per my last post before Christmas. I thought I was prepared but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

As a reward for getting my assignments out of the way, I took myself out to see a game of 20/20 Cricket. (Being summer in Australia and thus being Cricket season, its one thing to do if you like sport – especially Cricket) – Anyway…

From the moment I got into town (which is about a 90 minute drive from where I live), I felt like rubbish. I felt so out of place which is a bit unusual as I love going to watch live sport. The game itself was enjoyable but by the time I got home I was exhausted.

I’ve seen a pattern developing recently whereby whenever I go out and do something, I am completely wiped out the following day.

With Christmas only three days away, I found myself sinking again and everything went completely off track. Plans I had for Christmas night went out the window and I decided to just stay away for the sake of myself and everybody else. I didn’t want to subject anybody to any negativity, plain and simple.

On Christmas Eve I decided to cook so I wouldn’t have to worry about cooking on Christmas Day. There was no roast, no turkey, no ham. Just a Greek lasagne dish called Pastitsio. Along with some prawns and plum pudding with custard, that was Christmas lunch/dinner. I was actually doing well on Christmas Eve after falling in a heap over the previous two days. I had coffee with my next door neighbor. She gave me a card and a movie voucher which was really thoughtful and nice. I have since invited her to see Les Miserables with me over the next couple of weeks.

That night, in a highly emotional state, I watched a Christmas movie called ‘Noel‘ and I was in tears most of the way through. I was desperate not to completely breakdown so I let the tears run down my face, but I avoided any full blown crying. On Christmas morning, I had a modest sleep in and felt okay.

For about an hour and then it all went to shit.

My friend who I was supposed to go and see on Christmas night, send me a text message wishing me a Merry Christmas and informed me that his in-laws were not going to be there as originally planned. He said if that changed anything for me, then I should reconsider going there. Initially I completely ruled it out and sent though a reply saying so. Then guilt hit me like a tonne of bricks and I changed my mind. I sent through a text asking him what time he would be home, but unfortunately (and therefore typically if you ask me), I never got a reply. By 8pm that night, having felt like shit for much of the day, I sent a text to him saying “Thanks for making a difficult day even more difficult”. By the next day he sent me reply saying he was sorry for not replying sooner, but that he also didn’t appreciate ‘the dig’. He knew full well I was struggling with the whole occasion, but in typical fashion, his ego was far more important than any pain I was going through. An attempt to clear the air on my part two days ago had all but ended our friendship. He said he was too busy to call me and I called him an Asshole in reply. His response:

“Wow you have really lost the plot. I don’t know why I bother. Enjoy your self absorbed life”

BAM!

Didn’t I feel like a worthless piece of shit after getting that. Add that to the list of things NOT to say to somebody with a mental illness – regardless of whether it’s Christmas or any other time of year. One thing I do know about myself is that I am not self absorbed. People with any form of narcissism really get up my nose, however…

Bipolar IS selfish by nature, but that doesn’t make us selfish people, self involved, self absorbed  or whatever. I know full well what my flaws/personality deficiencies are, whether they are linked to Bipolar or just naturally make up the person that I am. We are all the same in that regard. This is where tolerance, understanding and empathy come into play. Especially at this time of year where there are triggers for some at almost every turn.

To say that I am hurt over a sense of abandonment at this time of year, (particularly when you tell somebody you are struggling, only to fall on deaf ears) is a quiet understatement. Simple words which promote empathy would be a nice start. My friend is obviously far too busy to even make a small amount of time to come and visit me. To see him, I basically have to go to his place 9.5 times out of 10. One way traffic in a friendship/relationship is also one of my pet hates. Okay, I live one hour away, but is a one hour drive really that hard?

The other frustration when it comes to my illness is that he has no real understanding of it. He cares, but he doesn’t get it. The reason why there is a high emphasis on this person is because he is my only support. I have recently met somebody who does understand my illness and isn’t judgmental about it. I really hope that a friendship can blossom as a result, but it’s too early to tell. I’m not one to try and force anything. You simply cannot control other people and that’s reality. A fair one too I might add.

Which brings me back to my friend of 20 plus years.

Yes he doesn’t get my illness. He knows that I have Bipolar amongst other issues, but I don’t think he can really handle these facts. When I’m good, things are fine. We get along great. When I get depressed, I normally shield him from it to protect both parties. I am able to suffer in silence (most of the time), without having to deal with the guilt or humiliation of having symptoms and episodes (mostly depressive ones), exposed to others. Then there are his friends and this is the reason why I cant even go over there on New Years Eve – as much as I would like to under normal circumstances. Similar to Christmas night, it would be nice to not have to subject myself to self imposed isolation. His friends know that I have a mental illness. Unfortunately, they do treat me differently because of this. Therefore I am not comfortable being in that social circle and besides, they are his friends, not mine. I have tried to accept his friends as my own, but the bottom line is that they are just as ignorant as he is and all of it makes me very uncomfortable.

So my plan for new years eve is to simply make it through the day. Hopefully my symptoms won’t be a major factor. Like Christmas night, I will most likely double up on my medications and get an early night. I’ll also have to negotiate new years day, but hopefully by the 2nd of January (which I now have plans with my new found friend), I will be back to normal, having survived the stress of the holiday period, and can then focus on the challenges that await for 2013.

As per my pre-Christmas post, wherever you are and whatever you are doing, I sincerely hope you have a good one. If you are struggling, do reach out to someone that you trust. Hopefully you won’t get burnt in a similar way to what I did this Christmas. Above all, remember that you are not alone, even if you feel that you are. Despite our best intentions and efforts, this is a difficult time of year for so many of us and therefore it is not to be underestimated.

Do what you have to do to get through and survive, but please be sensible and safe in the process.

Sending lots of love, warmth and empathy to everybody – especially to those who understand and appreciate the meaning of this post.

It all starts in 3 weeks

This year has not been an easy one when it comes to accepting the limitations that having Bipolar puts on my life. Through the despair of a long depressive episode, I am struggling to accept my position in life. No career, no partner, no kids. I’ve never resented having this illness as much as I do right now. Through all the pain and suffering, I hang onto a small glimmer of hope that one day things can get better. That one day I will have what my heart desires most. It’s not about material gain. It’s about being able to rise above a situation so dark and bleak in nature, to a place where the sun shines on more days than it doesn’t. Having a mental illness becomes secondary. Loneliness and isolation is a thing of the past. Positive relationships are forged. There is love in my life through the power of family. The shackles of all present limitations are broken and pave way to opportunity.

A new journey begins in three weeks. It is my chance to dig myself out from the depths of despair and strive for something meaningful.

I am returning to study. My sights are set on achieving something that should have been done during the early stages of adulthood. It is unfinished business and something I simply must do.

I have chosen to study Psychology. There is still a burning desire within me to help people . My days working as a nurse provided me with the necessary insight, to realise how good I can be in the role as a carer. I feel a ‘calling’ in life. It is strong and it’s loud. If I do not try to make the most of the opportunity that lays before me, I don’t think I can live with myself.

How this idealism can translate to real world activity is still beyond comprehension. I am starting small by only doing a couple of subjects. This pace should suit me for where I am at right now. Anything more, and the chances of being overwhelmed by stress become more of a reality. I have been down that road many times before, when I knew it was bad for me, and yet I persevered. In the end, I lose the battle to keep up with everything and find myself back at square one. Depression in all it’s glory takes a strong hold and it will be months before I am in a position to pick myself up and dust myself off.

What I am most looking forward to about studying Psychology, is exploring how the brain operates. Nature vs Nurture concepts. What essentially makes us tick. I know that by the time the theory is done and dusted, practicing Psychology in the real world will be vastly different. For now though, I am looking forward to the journey of exploring all of the theory and the personal development that comes with learning a new vocation.

This opportunity is one I hope I can relish. It is a chance to grow and expand the knowledge and experience already gained in my life thus far. It is a chance to embrace optimism once again and strive for something better in life. It won’t be easy, but I think I am up for the challenge once again.

Wish me luck!

This is a powerful and moving video. Such a brave young lady. “If you die, they win” This is my mantra and there is nothing but truth in those words! Well done Hannah! You’re an inspiration to those of us affected by Mental Illness!

The Bipolar Place

I stumbled across this whilst on YouTube & thoughts it overall message, if a little simplistic, was worth sharing.

 

View original post

Embracing Social Media in an Isolated World

Having Bipolar has turned me into a very private person and this has created a void in my life. There are times when I am happy to be left alone and simply not care about what the world is doing. There are other times when I feel lonely and isolated. This is where I desire to have a connection with people, want to feel less alone and crave the need for support and understanding.

Creating a blog dedicated to my illness was designed to help fill that void. Getting likes, comments and followers of my blog had it’s desired effect during the initial phase. Now I feel somewhat empty again. I have been too low in my mood to put something meaningful together in the hope that others will identify and appreciate what I have to say.

My last few posts have been dark and angry which relates to the way I’ve been feeling. The void and emptiness of not having people in my life continues to manifest though. I participate in a couple of mental health forums but sometimes I struggle to feel like I’m really heard.

I use the reader in wordpress to keep up with blogs I am following. As pathetic as this sounds, I am sometimes envious of people with regular likes and comments. The same applies to those who have Facebook and Twitter followers.

Today I have created a Facebook account and a Facebook page for Bipolar Beach with the hope that over time, this builds up to help fill the void of feeling lonely and isolated. The problem though is that I find it very difficult to share things personally about myself.

There is a mild acceptance of where I am at with my life in terms of having Bipolar, the medications I take to manage the illness, and the lifestyle I lead, despite all of this. However, there is a deep sadness within me that there are no people to talk to or hang out with. I guess there is added difficulty being in my mid thirties. People have come and gone. Others have settled into married life and are busy with raising kids and the rigors of everyday life.

The negative aspects of social media such as stalking and bullying have left me with the belief that living in anonymity is better than being vulnerable and exposed. It saddens me that tools designed to bring us closer together, can have such devastating effects. But I guess that comes down to the fact that there is always going to be bad people in the world. I am turning to social media to feel more connected and reduce the impact of the loneliness and isolation that comes with having a mental illness.

Another issue that I think about is finding love. Finding that one person who understands and accepts you for who you are. I seriously wonder if I’ll experience love again in my lifetime. I’m sometimes curious as to whether I can actually find the right person over the internet, but think this is probably a bit naive. There is also a part of me that thinks I’m better off not being in a relationship. At least during this phase of my life where things are more challenging than they should be.

I don’t spend the entire day on the internet but it is the first thing I do everyday. It helps me to feel calm and focused. I am returning to study in November and the degree I am pursuing will be done online. This fits well with my needs and lifestyle. I hope to meet some like minded people that will challenge and stimulate me, alongside the study content .

For now, I will continue on my mission of trying to feel better connected, despite living in isolation,

It might be only wishful thinking, but I hope you can support me on this journey.

You’re Fired!

Dear Doctor Dickhead,

I am writing to express how appalled I am with your unprofessional conduct.

Since my last appointment with you five days ago, I have been angry and confused. How fucking dare you treat me like I am some sort of lost cause, when your fucking job is to provide suitable treatment and a duty of care. I thought we were in the process of fine tuning my medications (which as it turns out, needs a complete fucking overhaul). Instead, we decrease the frequency between appointments, and then you (much to my absolute surprise), tell me that you recommend a second opinion using the words ‘under these circumstances’.

UNDER WHAT FUCKING CIRCUMSTANCES EXACTLY?

I might have had the chance to ask about this in more detail, in addition to the changes in medication which began months ago. The opportunity may have been there if you weren’t so quick to finalize the appointment inside of five minutes, just because you thought my referral wasn’t current.

You are an absolute fucking disgrace to your profession, and do not deserve to be treating people who are not well, vulnerable and scared.

Should I remind you that the last two medications to be introduced were recommended by myself. That you failed to pick up on the ADHD component of my illness. Where is the duty of care, you worthless piece of shit.

Before and after my appointment, you showed more concern about making sure my referral was current. This was done back in June you INCOMPETENT FUCK!

Perhaps you are in the early stages of dementia. Reflecting on the past few months, it would certainly appear that something isn’t quite right. I have honestly and repeatedly told you exactly where I am, only to fall on deaf ears. I should have listened to my instincts right from the beginning when I had a hunch you had NO FUCKING IDEA!

Why on earth, when you said that anti-depressants are ‘evil’ when it comes to Bipolar Disorder, am I still on one? At half the dose I was on in the past! Why did you NOT continue to go down this path before recommending a second opinion? Why did you continually ignore the fact that Geoden/Zeldox was leaving me with an almighty hangover? Or that I am too scared to go to sleep at night due to the dread of the cycle repeating? What about my reservations to increase the dose of dexamphetamine due to insomnia?

Do you also remember the time you gave me a starter box that was one month out of date???

I feel sick to my stomach to have been sucked in by another incompetent hack, who has little to no regard for the well-being of their patients.

When describing my previous history during my first appointment with you, the only thing I remember is you gloating how much you and your bank manager appreciate people in my position. What the fuck? Who says that to a patient?

You should be ashamed of yourself and god only help those still under your care and supervision. As disgusted as I am with myself for believing you were actually trying to help me, I thank you for giving me an opportunity to now find somebody who actually gives a shit.

Oh how I would love to sue your sorry butt. Lucky for you I am not the litigious type. There is a different type of pain that will catch you eventually.

Go fuck yourself, and do take note: Karma will come knocking!

Who am I and how did I end up here?

Another night has gone by. The dread of going another day is overwhelming. I feel tired. I ask myself how did it come to be like this. Welcome to another day in paradise.

Throughout my twenties, I knew something wasn’t right. It was more than depression. If I were to succeed at – insert future goal here – then everything would be fine. I think I got there for a brief period when I turned the tables on being diagnosed with Bipolar. If you can’t beat em, join em, so I became a nurse. A psych nurse. My outlook was more realistic this time. Life would still be a challenge, but perhaps there is an opportunity for some balance. Wrong again. Politics and negative culture started to take its toll. I began to sink. Moving to another city gave me hope. But I never recovered. My world was dark, when literally, things were supposed to be sunny. The damage was done and it was time to cash in my chips.

The mission failed, but new opportunity brought renewed hope. A chance to come home again. Be close to my best friend. Get involved with a creative line of work. There was nothing more to prove.

How could this have also gone so painfully wrong? How did everything become so dark again?

Six years after being diagnosed, my hands are up in the air. I’m screaming out “Why?” And “How?”.

It’s a bitter pill to swallow. Mid-thirties and on disability. No network of friends. No supportive family. No partner. No kids. No career.

How did I get to the point were life was so dark, meaningless and empty? How do I pull myself out from this abyss? Is this my destiny?

Will I get another chance at finding love? Will I ever be able to hold down employment? Will I be able to trust people again?

I know that fear holds me back. I know that I choose to remain in the dark. It’s safer. Anything that I have tried to achieve and sustain has always backfired. Even when I thought, “this is my passion”. “This is where I belong in life”.

It’s not all supposed to revolve around having a Mental Illness. There should be things to off-set that. Instead I am highly consumed by the things that are. Tortured by the things that were. I need a purpose. Some kind of direction. There is more to do, but self-confidence doesn’t support aspiration.

This is where self-pity turns into inner rage. I didn’t ask for any of this. Why did my family fail to protect me when it mattered most. Not just on one occasion, but multiple times. I inherited this illness and for 29 years, the person I was and the life that I lived was a complete lie. More than six years after finding out the truth, the damage has been done. I may have some answers now, but I am screaming on this inside. My innocence lies in a state of ruin. My strengths have been taken away without my consent. My weaknesses have become front and center of my existence. I have been stripped down naked and exposed for all the world to see.

This is bullshit of the highest quality and I would appreciate a full refund or exchange.