You’re Fired!

Dear Doctor Dickhead,

I am writing to express how appalled I am with your unprofessional conduct.

Since my last appointment with you five days ago, I have been angry and confused. How fucking dare you treat me like I am some sort of lost cause, when your fucking job is to provide suitable treatment and a duty of care. I thought we were in the process of fine tuning my medications (which as it turns out, needs a complete fucking overhaul). Instead, we decrease the frequency between appointments, and then you (much to my absolute surprise), tell me that you recommend a second opinion using the words ‘under these circumstances’.

UNDER WHAT FUCKING CIRCUMSTANCES EXACTLY?

I might have had the chance to ask about this in more detail, in addition to the changes in medication which began months ago. The opportunity may have been there if you weren’t so quick to finalize the appointment inside of five minutes, just because you thought my referral wasn’t current.

You are an absolute fucking disgrace to your profession, and do not deserve to be treating people who are not well, vulnerable and scared.

Should I remind you that the last two medications to be introduced were recommended by myself. That you failed to pick up on the ADHD component of my illness. Where is the duty of care, you worthless piece of shit.

Before and after my appointment, you showed more concern about making sure my referral was current. This was done back in June you INCOMPETENT FUCK!

Perhaps you are in the early stages of dementia. Reflecting on the past few months, it would certainly appear that something isn’t quite right. I have honestly and repeatedly told you exactly where I am, only to fall on deaf ears. I should have listened to my instincts right from the beginning when I had a hunch you had NO FUCKING IDEA!

Why on earth, when you said that anti-depressants are ‘evil’ when it comes to Bipolar Disorder, am I still on one? At half the dose I was on in the past! Why did you NOT continue to go down this path before recommending a second opinion? Why did you continually ignore the fact that Geoden/Zeldox was leaving me with an almighty hangover? Or that I am too scared to go to sleep at night due to the dread of the cycle repeating? What about my reservations to increase the dose of dexamphetamine due to insomnia?

Do you also remember the time you gave me a starter box that was one month out of date???

I feel sick to my stomach to have been sucked in by another incompetent hack, who has little to no regard for the well-being of their patients.

When describing my previous history during my first appointment with you, the only thing I remember is you gloating how much you and your bank manager appreciate people in my position. What the fuck? Who says that to a patient?

You should be ashamed of yourself and god only help those still under your care and supervision. As disgusted as I am with myself for believing you were actually trying to help me, I thank you for giving me an opportunity to now find somebody who actually gives a shit.

Oh how I would love to sue your sorry butt. Lucky for you I am not the litigious type. There is a different type of pain that will catch you eventually.

Go fuck yourself, and do take note: Karma will come knocking!

Breaking News: I’m totally fucked up!

This year has been a revelation and here it is in a nutshell: I’m fucked up and basically beyond repair!  “Join the queue” I might hear you say.

It hasn’t been the darkest year, but it definitely rates in the top 5. The saving grace as far as 2012 goes, is that I have my own place. The positive here is that there is less pressure as far as managing symptoms are concerned. I feel as if my dignity is preserved. I can move freely without the fear of disturbing anybody else. The solitude is comforting. On the flip side, it is also painfully isolating. Given a choice however, right now, I’ll take the solitude.

Having this time and space has provided an opportunity to reflect. For the first time since my diagnosis in 2006, I have been able to look back on the past six years and analyze thing that have happened post-diagnosis. I have also been able to compare things on a pre and post diagnosis level.

Too much time to think? Absolutely. But reflection is a necessary part of moving forward in my opinion. What has worked? What hasn’t? How much responsibility falls into the Bipolar category? How much responsibility fall’s on my own shoulders? What sort of say does my personality have?

All of these variables add up to the overall picture and when all has been laid out to bear, I simply do not like what I see.

For now, the cue is in the proverbial rack. The “Closed for Business” sign is up. I am tired. Making an effort seems frivolous. The four walls will keep me safe and the rest of the world can leave me the fuck alone.

This high level of fragility is frightening. Fear is a dominating force. Aside from daily band-aid fixes such as distraction, nothing can take this pain away. Nothing can repair the damage that has been done. Go for a walk – Check. See a therapist – Check. Trust in God – Check. Despite my best efforts, I feel lonely and empty.

Some days it feels like all there is to do, is to wait until I die. All things considered, I’ve had a reasonably good life, been on some adventures, met people from different walks of life and had a taste of the ‘good life’. I’ve lived. There is little more to do.

But hang on for just one minute – I’m only 35! Surely, there is more to do.

What about traveling overseas. Falling in love again. Having a child. Well, as much as I would love to indulge these ideas, the reality is that I have an illness. It’s not just the fact that I have Bipolar. My psychiatrist recently confirmed that I have complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I suspected as much. From childhood, to adolescence, to early adulthood, through to being a mature adult (whatever that means), the sum of all of the above is that I’m completely fucked up and in my heart of hearts, this situation is beyond repair.

There is one major goal that keeps me going. Getting a bachelor’s degree. After all that’s happened in my life, it pisses me off that this is on my ‘to do’ list when everyone around me is getting married, buying a house and having kids. As far as I’m concerned, this should have been done 10-15  years ago. But no use in dwelling in what should have been. Instead, I will accept things just the way they are. I might be fucked up, but that doesn’t mean I’m not prepared to have another roll of the dice.  I’ll finish this post by using my favorite line of all time:

It is what is!

Until next time,

Peace!

PS. Please feel free to leave a comment. I have been thrilled to see some views and receive some likes. I would be very humbled to receive your comments and feedback.